The Brain Hemorrhage

Setting: 2 train headed downton from Times Sq
Who: Two White middle age guys

When I switched to the express train from the local, I knew it was going to be packed. Times Sq. itself is a mess but the subway station is equally chaotic (except there aren't potentially lethal amounts of light emanating from every direction).

I squeezed into the express car and was fortunate enough to be near two gentleman, apparently friends, already deep into conversation. For the story, I will be refering to them as Larry and Doug

Larry: "Yeah, so I was talking to my buddy the other day about the holiday party"

Doug: "Oh yeah? What he say?"

Larry:"Well, he said last year he got pretty drunk and it wasn't too bad"

Doug:"I don't think I'll be going to my company's party this year. Although getting away from the wife and kids would be nice"

Larry:"He said there was this one drink at the party that was crazy."

Doug:"Oh yeah, you didn't go last year because you were sick.

Larry:"Nope."

Doug:"What is the drink"

Larry: "Well, I don't remember everything he said that goes in it but its some type of gin, tripple sec, maybe some vodka, and then something green...its called a brain hemorrhage"

(Doug laughs)

Larry: "Sounds like a good time. I'm going to try it."

Does it sound like a good time? Sounds like a diaster in a glass. Look Larry, I don't think thing best thing to do, at any time, is to have a drink called THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE; especially at your holiday party that (it sounds like) you are attending for the first time. I would suggest sticking to beer but it seems you have been doing that every night for the last ten years.

And for Doug: would it really be more exciting to go to a place you don't want to be just to ditch your family for a few hours? If so, I think therapy should be in your future. See if your HMO covers that one.


Is that what one gets excited about in the 40's? Having a drink that sounds like it could literally kill you or go to a place where it sounds like you won't enjoy yourself just to lose the family for a bit?

What's more is that I cannot imagine this conversation happening between males from another country? Can you picture two Italians engaging in a conversation about a drink called a "brain hemorrhage"?

Just like Don King said: Only in America

One Man Show

Setting: Brooklyn bound 2 Train.

Who: Black guy sitting by himself.

Everybody has experienced panhandlers at some point in their lives. Sometimes on the street, sometimes while driving and stopped at a red light, and, most often, on public transportation.

As I stepped into the subway car at 14th st headed for Wall St. I looked around for an open seat. As there were several folks standing I assumed I was out of luck. But, to my surprise, there was a stretch of three seats that were vacant with the fourth being occupied by a semi- regular looking guy eating something.

Now, it is always a bad sign when there are so many open seats and nobody is taking them. At the end of the day one wants nothing more than to grab a seat so either this guy smells horrendous or is crazy; or both!

As I took my position to stand (diagonal from him, the better to observe and get my fists up if something goes down) I noticed one of the more stranger things I have ever seen: this man was eating salad out of Tupperware. I never would have imagined someone eating salad on the subway let alone this guy. I knew something was off with him. But, the kicker was that this salad was drenched in dressing. It looked more like he was eating dressing with salad in it. As he would get a spoonful (yes, a spoon. Plastic) it would spill a little as he brought it to his mouth. It was practically unavoidable what with the driver doing 50 and such a long distance for the spoon to travel.

After a bout 30 seconds of being on the train he justified the reason nobody was choosing to sit next to him. This man busted out into one of, if not the best monologues/rap sessions I have ever witnessed. What is written below is the exact words that came out of his mouth. As he was speaking I took out my phone and created a text message that I would save to my drafts.

(The man puts away his salad and begins speaking to himself as he stands up and walks slowly through the train...)

"Zim to the zam. Talk a week straight. (gargling noises). Check it out-ba-ba-boo. (laughing) We can disconfuse. Deck mm man back oh you get checked then you get f*cked up. Into the ram, slam, take that back to queens, oh oh flex-mex-tex-bex, gonna hit the clown, bex mmm ha. Ting. How you gon be a motherf*ckin city for 24hrs..."

Then he got off the train and hit the window as we drove away.

I think the Academy should be notified.